Not so Crunchy Thoughts

Therapist: How many times a week do you think of suicide?
Me: Not more than the normal amount
Therapist: The normal amount is zero
Me: Embarrassed silence

There is a distinct difference in gravity between suicidal thoughts and suicide plans. Today I am only going to write about the former, as I have only experienced the former.

I don’t really know why I am currently writing this article, perhaps it's to explore why I get these thoughts, perhaps it's to get through the current wave of thoughts, perhaps it’s so that someone reading this text needs to feel heard and in good company, so that thoughts don’t turn into plans.

In the past two years there have been many setbacks in my life. Academically I have failed my masters thesis. Sporting wise I have failed at becoming a semi-professional footballer. Health wise I have been struggling with monthly respiratory infections, which might in turn have played a role in the first two failures, but that's just speculation.

Suicidal thoughts usually coincide with setbacks in the aforementioned fields, especially during moments where I only have my thoughts to myself. That is, during late night drives, when I think of just driving into that lantern pole on the highway. Waiting for a train and thinking of how easy it would be to just throw myself in front of it. A couple of seconds standing at the edge of a balcony and thinking about how easy it would be to jump. Taking supplements at night and wondering if would be easy to overdose on painkillers. If it would be freeing to die in a possible third world war.

Ultimately these thoughts never turn into plans and they hopefully will never. In these moments I usually think what an easy way it would be to get rid of pain - no matter if it's originating in my body or my soul.

What usually pulls me back are thoughts about the people close to me and how I would hurt and disappoint them. I feel like this is not a sustainable way of combating these thoughts. No, I know that it’s not sustainable - I did learn that during therapy. There are more reasons to live than not hurting the people you love.

For me, that usually requires a lot of zooming into my personal sphere as the zoomed out Weltschmerz is becoming near infinite. Even if it’s on a microscopic level like enjoying video games, your favorite soccer team winning (coyg), a food that you’re looking forward to enjoying, or your pet, these things represent anchors in a life that is permeated with these not so crunchy thoughts.

I once was at a point where even these anchors, the most microscopic things in my life felt bland and grey, gave me no joy, fun or excitement. That's when I got professional help, so if you cannot think of any one tiniest thing please do so, too.

I was lucky. Not just because I had fantastic therapist, but also because I met my current girlfriend during that time. She gave back so many things that I had missed, and to this day amplifies every good thing I feel by an incredible factor because I can share it with her.

Sometimes we fight and that’s when I get so afraid that all the light will extinguish again. That’s when flashbacks to all the moments I have thought of suicide before usually hit my mind, I just don’t want to live in a world where I see her hurt. I love her so much she doesn’t even understand, she won’t ever understand. I am so grateful for her and am lucky to have her. However, that also feels dangerous because I don't want to depend on another person for my own life. I also don't confront her with these thoughts usually, as I do not want to put any pressure onto her.

If you’re reading this and think to yourself: „I wish I had a person like this“ please take a moment and breathe. There might already be a best friend, a family member or even a pet that can be your anchor. There are people on this planet for everyone, there is community and like minded people for everyone, there is love for all humans and all humans are lovable in their own right. You are worth it, I am worth it.

If you're reading this and are thinking of a person - or multiple ones - give them a shout-out and tell them you love them.